There’s nothing unique about the way
We fled the ghosts in younger days
You carried the trauma like me
Deep in rusted bones
But we could never escape
You knew as well as I did
Ghosts have a way of following
Ethereal, stubborn spirits
We never outrun our pasts
Though we think we can
Each new year is a beginning
Though it feels we’ve already lost
Our hope is usually brimming
But lately we feel distraught
The world has changed for good
There’s no going back to before-times
If we could, we certainly would
This new era is chaos defined
For those with mental illness
It feels like the world has caught up
Now everyone has a sickness
The entire world is stuck
Depression is a liar
It tells me nasty things
These negative thoughts I acquire
And the despair it brings
But my friends always say
This too shall pass
Though it’s wretched today
I faintly see a half-full glass
When I feel disconnected
Not much seems to help
I’m not sure what I expected
Or when it will stop
Music is my healing balm
And so is my writing
They help me stay calm
With the negativity I’m fighting
I. Alienation
I’ve lost track of time too many times
What am I doing here?
No one was there to answer
The streets were so empty
And there I was again, lost
Lost and not found – the story of our lives
Trying to find purpose amid the ruins
Of late-stage American capitalism
And cycles of market collapses
So, I kept wandering
The sky was charcoal but, despite that,
It was so hot the concrete sizzled
Is this what they predicted?
There’s nowhere left to turn
Everyone else has burned
And here I am, lost again
My mind explodes in pain
It’s like a volcanic eruption
I know that I am not sane
And my life is an interruption
The prophets foretold my death
On a lonely street in a distant city
The madmen screamed ‘till I was deaf
Then the hospital committed me
What is this beast that rises from the sludge?
My friend thinks it’s quite amazing
It’s obvious that I have misjudged
The beast’s insatiable cravings
It has swallowed my family whole
In one terrifying gulp
Now it will not let up control
Our insanity is the result
I once wanted total control, until that day
Everything spun in a mad frenzy, and I lost my grip
On sanity – leaving me locked away
Without a say on anything and everything
Yes, this has happened many times before
And the illusion of control always surges back
I try to ignore that monster in my head
To restore my equilibrium
To reach a place that’s solid, that has a foundation
That doesn’t constantly crack
But maybe that last madness was too much
And it knocked me to the ground for good
Maybe I’ve truly lost touch
With a reality that’s wholesome and good
Chance at redemption
Every day, new journeys
But desire is gone
Replaced by resignation
Life as drab with no color
“It is very hard to explain to people who have never known serious depression or anxiety the sheer continuous intensity of it. There is no off switch.” — Matt Haig
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Unplugged radios play broadcasts
of rage, wrath; singular messages
intended for my ears only
signals from space
reaching this place
where I listen carefully
stammer incessantly
and know, just know
they’re coming for me
