enhance capacities to love
take odious urges
vomit venom of resentment
from your stomach –
the toxic brew of bile –
embrace enemies
in muscular arms
Continue readingenhance capacities to love
take odious urges
vomit venom of resentment
from your stomach –
the toxic brew of bile –
embrace enemies
in muscular arms
Continue readingwe talk about serenity
but I’m not sure what we mean
there have been times
I was serene
but it’s few and far between
I want it to be a permanent state
of being
an emotion that stretches into
the future, forever
but that’s impossible
like asking to control the weather
so, as days go by
& I grow older
I hope I grow wiser, too
settle for serene moments
instead of reaching for something
that’s beyond my feeble grip
We’re living in dangerous times. Some people (like my girlfriend) seem to be able to cope with it better than me. For me, though, a lot of the things going on in the world have me feeling very on edge.
Continue readingI recently got some bad news that a friend of mine from recovery suddenly passed away. He was only 32 years old. As these dark pandemic days drag on, I felt I needed to write this post to process my emotions.
Continue readingDepression is like draining the color from all
perception, until you see complete darkness –
like becoming blind in an instant, and having
to rely on the other four senses to navigate
a harsh landscape. It appears without warning,
as if you’re traveling on a frozen lake and the
ice gives way – you sink into the water, you cry,
you flail your arms – but all you can do is stay
afloat until the sun appears again and
you’re rescued.
(Photo by Collin Hardy on Unsplash)
Rachel has told me many times before of her struggles with anxiety. When I listened to her, I used to not be able to understand it. I’ve always thought of myself as a fairly calm person, and I can remember many moments from over the past several years where I’ve felt very peaceful.
Continue readingGrief is not a neat, five-stage process that can
be completed like a grade-school assignment.
It’s more like losing someone and then losing
yourself, as well – there’s shock, denial,
and depression – but also the feeling that
there’s a new void that’ll never be filled.
Continue readingI want to feel connected to the planet –
wet, black soil after a hard rain or swaying
tree boughs that reach out, wish to embrace me.
I want it so much, and yet, I feel nothing –
only a dullness where the planet is another channel
on so many screens, divorced from the living ground
of my ancestors.
I’m angry and I’m upset. The past few days I’ve sunk into a depression, mixed with bursts of anger. A lot of it has to do with self-isolation. Some of it has to do with bipolar symptoms. However, a lot of it has to do with what’s going on in America right now.
Continue readingMost of the time, I focus on the parts of my mental illness that are bad. The mood swings, the depressions, the vigilance I need to keep to guard against mania and hypomania. But it’s not all negative.
Continue reading