Serenity (a poem)

we talk about serenity

but I’m not sure what we mean

there have been times

I was serene

but it’s few and far between

I want it to be a permanent state

of being

an emotion that stretches into

the future, forever

but that’s impossible

like asking to control the weather

so, as days go by

& I grow older

I hope I grow wiser, too

settle for serene moments

instead of reaching for something

that’s beyond my feeble grip

(Photo by Eric Muhr on Unsplash)

Coping with Uncertainty

We’re living in dangerous times. Some people (like my girlfriend) seem to be able to cope with it better than me. For me, though, a lot of the things going on in the world have me feeling very on edge.

Continue reading

Suicide Prevention: Please, Don’t Give Up

I recently got some bad news that a friend of mine from recovery suddenly passed away. He was only 32 years old. As these dark pandemic days drag on, I felt I needed to write this post to process my emotions.

Continue reading

Depression is Like (a poem)

Depression is like draining the color from all

perception, until you see complete darkness –

like becoming blind in an instant, and having

to rely on the other four senses to navigate

a harsh landscape. It appears without warning,

as if you’re traveling on a frozen lake and the

ice gives way – you sink into the water, you cry,

you flail your arms – but all you can do is stay

afloat until the sun appears again and

you’re rescued.

(Photo by Collin Hardy on Unsplash)

On Anxiety and Choosing Faith over Fear

Rachel has told me many times before of her struggles with anxiety. When I listened to her, I used to not be able to understand it. I’ve always thought of myself as a fairly calm person, and I can remember many moments from over the past several years where I’ve felt very peaceful.

Continue reading

A Feeling that No Longer Exists (a poem)

Grief is not a neat, five-stage process that can

be completed like a grade-school assignment.

It’s more like losing someone and then losing

yourself, as well – there’s shock, denial,

and depression – but also the feeling that

there’s a new void that’ll never be filled.

Continue reading

Another Channel (a poem)

I want to feel connected to the planet –

wet, black soil after a hard rain or swaying

tree boughs that reach out, wish to embrace me.

I want it so much, and yet, I feel nothing –

only a dullness where the planet is another channel

on so many screens, divorced from the living ground

of my ancestors.

(Photo by Jisun Han on Unsplash)

Holding on: Searching for hope during these dark times

I’m angry and I’m upset. The past few days I’ve sunk into a depression, mixed with bursts of anger. A lot of it has to do with self-isolation. Some of it has to do with bipolar symptoms. However, a lot of it has to do with what’s going on in America right now.

Continue reading

On the benefits of having a mental illness (and the power of music)

Most of the time, I focus on the parts of my mental illness that are bad. The mood swings, the depressions, the vigilance I need to keep to guard against mania and hypomania. But it’s not all negative.

Continue reading