2-7-22 – 9:30 a.m.
I get embarrassed about the ways I blamed my parents. I’m older now; I know that life is chaotic most of the time. I’m still afraid to be happy after all these years. She asks me if I’m happy a lot. I am, but I wonder about all the ways in which the ground under me will cave in. I’ve never loved anyone like her. I’m not the greatest boyfriend ever, but I like to think I’m capable of love.
Went to the dog park. A woman spoke to us like she was starved for love. Said many in the city lack a community mindset. Our dogs ran around playing with each other. I thought of all of us who don’t have kids but pets instead. It brought on an incredible feeling of guilt, likely imposed by the church. My cousin said if he had a child, it would be the antichrist. I think he’s exaggerating.
Constant sirens in the distance. What are they for? Every night. That feeling when you live in the city, and you’re not sure if that sound was a firecracker or a gunshot. Maybe they’re fire engines. If so, the city burns a lot.
I miss AA sometimes, but I reflect on it and determine I’m better off. Still, I lack community. Everything in my life is virtual, except for her. Online community is okay, but not the same. My bosses live in California, my co-workers live in Texas and New York. I met them all recently in NYC. That city is a modern marvel, it never ceases to amaze me. Everything is on a grand scale; you get the feeling it has a mind of its own.
People walking down our street sound like they’re inside our house. Home invasion is a constant fear I have. Waking up, someone in the house, even in the bedroom. Seems irrational, but maybe not. The weak will inherit the earth. Have a feeling a civil war is coming. Each election will come with a street battle. But no, I refuse to buy a gun. That will solve nothing.