Here’s a piece of humor flash fiction about the crash landing of an alien spaceship and American stupidity. It’s about 570 words and has an estimated reading time of 2 and a half minutes. Let me know what you think!
The spaceship landed in Bailey’s backyard in rural Pennsylvania around midnight. He’d been sitting in his recliner watching TV when he heard the thunderous crash, and he’d thought a bomb went off.
“What in the holy hell?” Bailey thought.
He immediately grabbed his shotgun and went to investigate. People like Bailey don’t call the police when there’s trouble – they run to it, instead.
The spaceship was unlike anything the middle-aged man had ever seen, and it smoldered in flames as it was wedged in the field. Bailey was hesitant at first, but he moved closer and opened one of the hatches. He avoided the fires that danced into the dark night sky above.
Bailey knew the police, probably even the FBI, would be there sooner rather than later, so he wanted to see this anomaly for himself. He’d always been a fan of the X-Files; he fantasized about some federal agents like Mulder and Scully coming to interview him.
Inside the ship, everything was made of a matte black metallic substance he didn’t recognize. A pure white light flickered inside as he walked through the corridors and hallways.
He saw the dead bodies of the aliens. It wasn’t what he expected: they had, what appeared to be, several eyes and mouths and no recognizable humanoid structure. They were like giant worms or caterpillars.
Then he heard a clacking and clicking sound and movement in the corner of the room. He’d been taking pictures with his smartphone and, when he heard the noises, he put the phone down and raised his shotgun.
“Who is it?” he yelled. “Show yourself, ya freak!”
From the darkness of the room emerged a smaller alien, obviously in pain. Bailey thought it may be an alien child; it was so small and fragile-looking.
“Stop right there!” He pointed the shotgun at the creature with his trembling hands. “I said don’t move! One more step, and I’ll blow your brains out!”
Obviously, the extraterrestrial baby couldn’t understand a word he said. But that did little to reduce Bailey’s fear. The alien slithered slowly toward him, continuing to click and clack in its unknown language.
“Bailey!” a voice sounded from down a corridor. “You in there, buddy?”
Bailey recognized the voice immediately. It was his neighbor, Mason, who soon appeared shirtless and shoeless behind him, also carrying a rifle.
“Well hell, Mason! Look at this little critter!” Bailey exclaimed.
“I say we get out of dodge, buddy! This is some weird shit!”
Mason took off his MAGA hat and wiped his brow. They both looked stupidly at the suffering alien baby. “Let’s put it out of its misery,” Bailey suggested.
“That’s probably a federal crime, buddy! A whole buttload of federal agents will be here in no time!”
“The government can’t tell me what to do on my property.”
Bailey let off a shotgun blast and blew the alien to bits. A swirl of slime and carcass scattered their bodies and the spaceship room.
“Shit, Bailey … you dumb son of a gun. You killed it.”
“You’re damn right I did.” Bailey lowered the gun and took another picture with his phone. Then he went looking for souvenirs to take from the ship.
“I’d say this alien here, I don’t care how old it was, was an illegal alien. And I don’t take too kindly to invaders on my property or on American soil.”