The Badges that I Earn (a poem)

I once wanted total control, until that day
Everything spun in a mad frenzy, and I lost my grip
On sanity – leaving me locked away
Without a say on anything and everything

Yes, this has happened many times before
And the illusion of control always surges back
I try to ignore that monster in my head
To restore my equilibrium
To reach a place that’s solid, that has a foundation
That doesn’t constantly crack

But maybe that last madness was too much
And it knocked me to the ground for good
Maybe I’ve truly lost touch
With a reality that’s wholesome and good

Now all I see is death and despair, destruction and doom
Not every day is gloom, yes, flowers still bloom
But on bad days, it’s too much to bear

I’ve learned a different coping strategy
Instead of childish wish fulfillments for total peace
Maybe depression is just part of my DNA
And I have to accept and release
The demons onto the page

At this stage in my life, it may look like I’ve given up
But trust me, I’m still in the fight
Even when I go through my slumps

Perhaps this is the beginning of wisdom
Something that has to be learned
Perhaps these depressions are teaching me
Each one like a badge that I earn.

(Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash)